Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

I was sitting in a programming class back when I was a student. Like most classes, we had a few clueless students, but we also had one who thought he was going to be the most brilliant programmer ever (assuming he could manage to graduate!). The instructor was lecturing on many ways to write code so that it was easier to debug. Mr. Brilliant was smiling broadly, apparently considering the idea that HIS code could ever have a bug as unthinkable. The instructor pointed out that when a bug occurs in production code, sometimes it was very difficult for the programmer to access the affected system. Mr. Brilliant: I'm sure it would be very easy to debug, all I would have to do is sit down at a terminal and step through the program. Instructor: but what if you are not in the same location where the program is being run? A company on the other side of the planet might be running your code, so in addition to distance, they might not even speak your language. Mr. Brilliant: well, that probably won't ever happen, so... Instructor (interrupting): what if you were writing software for a big telecommunications satellite? Think you can easily access it remotely while it is in earth orbit? That's why you need to do everything you can to write good code that is bug free! By that point, the whole class was snickering at Mr. Brilliant and his face was turning read. Near the end of that class, his FIRST semester of programming, he had a very hard-to-find bug in one of his programs. He tried fixing it for several days but even with the instructor's hints, he couldn't find it. Finally he got mad one day, screamed that there was a bug in the compiler we were using, and stomped out without ever coming back. The instructor was a very nice lady, and during the next semester took our class step-by-step through Mr. Brilliant's program so we could see what went wrong.

I used to be part of a phone support group for a large retail-photography company. I swear, some of those people had the same mental age as the children they were shooting. Now bear in mind, this is a *professional* photography studio. Both the $2000 camera and the $5000+ multiple-source lighting system have been painstakingly calibrated for exposure (brightness) and color balance. The lighting system has a loud, deliberately obnoxious alarm beeper that goes off whenever there's a problem with the flash, and you'd have to be blind not to see the flash going off. Despite all these precautions, I still got the following call at least twice a day: Caller: All my pictures came out totally black, can you fix it? Me: I'll see what I can do, did the flash go off when you took a picture? Caller: I think so, the beeper went off every time I pushed the silver button. Me: I'm sorry ma'am, that's the alarm. I can help you fix the lighting system, but you'll have to reshoot. Caller: But I can't, the family's already gone home while the mom picks out the pictures. Me: *facepalm* Caller: You can fix it though, it's a digital camera, right? Me, thinking [**Sure, let me just hop in my time-machine so I can magically recover all the light photons that never made it to your camera...**] Despite what CSI makes you think, no amount of retouching can fix a completely unexposed picture, no matter how expensive the camera is. Underexposed, yes. Unexposed, no.

Few years back i was working as a developer in a local government IT department. One day i recieved an email from a member of the communications team. They deal with all the council publications etc. I hated dealing with them as they all seem to think they where better then the IT crowd as they had college qualifications in english and media etc. He was asking my opinion on some web product some sales person was trying to sell to the council. I gave my polite response basically explaining that the system was over-priced and not neccessary. A few moments later he responded and cc several other high ranking people from various departments. His response: "Thanks, but i think we should get the oppinion of someone who know what they are talking about." WTF! seriously the guy just totally slammed me for no reason to a whole heap of people. I decided (for once) not to let this be and sent a reply back (to all the cc'd managers too). I listed all my IT qualifications at least a page worth, going from school, college, university every single qualification i'd gained and all my years of experience then ended with: "I think i know what i'm talking about, but if you want to find someone else go ahead." He reported me to my manager, my manager just laughed and said "well done".

A long time ago, we had the swedish army as a client. One of their sites handled the personal data over the recruits, nothing too secretive, but still kind of sensitive information. They had PC-XT machines (i286 w 40 MB HD and 5 1/4" floppy) on which they recorded all this data. The users each afternoon took backup of the data as recommended and stored the floppies into the safe. Then I noticed something peculiar. Each morning they took out said floppies and proceeded to do do a restore of said data. When I asked why they did all this they responded that as the data was sensitive it needed to be locked in so no-one unauthorized could access it... It was impossible to convince them that the data still was in the PC, until I printed some recruit data after their backup/lockin routine... We made a sale of hundreds of lockable PC cabinets that day...

I once had to travel 50 miles with some folded paper to conclusively demonstrate to a client why their standard A4 saddle stitched brochure needed to be either 12 or 16 pages long. I spent a happy half hour watching them try to make their plan work - cause 'it just has to be an even number of pages, right?' To this day they still swear they 'always used to have 14-page brochures'.

About 20 years ago I worked for a company that coated steel in a coating to rust proof it (Galvanising). I met up with the client who turned out to be an artist, specifically he made clock sculptures, it was huge and wieghed maybe 10 tons. Client: So when can we ship this over to you to get the process done? Me: As soon as your ready, would you like us to make the holes or would you? Client: HOLES!?! NO-ONE is to make holes in MY artpiece! Me: Sir the sculpture needs to go into a giant vat of acid as part of the galvanising process, in it's current state it will just float on the surface. Client: Dont be silly, it weighs about 10 tons, of course it will sink! Me: No im sorry, due the shape it will act just like a boat, I think a few minor holes just here (pointing) and here... *slap* *client slaps my hand away* Client: Do you think i'm un-edcuated because im an artist!? I took physics at university! It will sink, NO HOLES do you understand? Me: *sigh* The Titanic did not sink until it had a hole, and I bet its a lot heavier than 10 tons. Client: *look of utter shock* I'll get the drill....

While between two IT jobs, I spent several months working behind the bar at a local pub. (I put this down as "acquiring good customer-facing skills" on my CV, though most software engineering roles do not require evicting agressive, drunk clients from the building.) One busy weekend, some of the bar staff failed to turn up, and the landlord tried to ring other temporary staff. After quarter of an hour receiving "number unobtainable" responses, he thrust a mobile phone and a notebook into my hands and said, "Keep ringing these numbers until the lazy ****s answer!" I replied, "Er, boss, these aren't telephone or mobile phone numbers. They're National Insurance [social security] numbers."

When I used to work in the special projects divisions of a large international company: Project: PowerPoint presentation to be used for end of year report for the top dogs at the firm. (Each section was created for a different VP) VP: Hands me a blank piece of paper. "I need this chart put into the PowerPoint presentation tonight." Me: It's a blank page. VP: Of course it is. The information on that chart is confidential! (I don't know why he bothered to hand me a blank piece of paper...I was very tempted to put a page into his section of the PP presentation with the words - confidential chart to go here).

"Hi, can you tell me what you did to fix my printer last time? I only ask because i don't want to pay you $50 to come and unplug it's power and then plug it back in again."

Got a call from a client of mine. We met previously so she could see my photography work (which she loved), then we customized a package for her wedding. She signed a contract and handed me a check for the retainer (50% of the total price, balance due upon completion of the work). Sue (not her real name): Hey, we made some changes to our wedding. I know it is in a few days, but we really need to cut the price in half. Me: [thinking it is kinda late to make changes, eh?] Well, tell me about the changes first and maybe there is something I could do. Sue: We need to cut the last half-hour from the six hours of coverage you were to provide. We decided not to have a DJ so the dancing shouldn't last very long. Me: You want to change the time of coverage from six hours to five-and-a-half hours? Sue: Yes. And we want you to cut your price in half. Me: Why? Sue: We really spent too much money on other things. Cue long discussion of the signed contract details and me telling her politely that they WILL have to pay the remaining 50% balance before I hand over the work.

Working in a call centre - inbound calls only - I got a call from a gentleman who said that he had a letter with our number on it. I ask him if he has any questions about the bill or any information on the letter, he says no, the letter told him to call this number. "So what can I help you with" "The letter said to call this number" "Yes?" This goes on for several minutes until I get him to pull out the letter and read what it says. 'If you have any questions, please call this number' Ok, quoth I, do you have any questions? No, but the letter said to call you. I explained what our number was for, what the bill was about, and this just made him more frustrated. "I KNOW all about the bills, but the letter told me to call this number" "So what can I help you with?" "The letter told me to call you!"

"I'm not asking you to change the animation. I'm just asking you to change the way it moves."

Working full-time I.T. helped develop my people skills to the point where I started a part-time photography business. As far as dealing with people and their problems, both have some amazing similarities (unfortunately). At one wedding the bride had several specific shots she wanted and I was happy to do the best I could. In one shot she wanted the four bride's maids to be adjusting the long train on the back of her dress. We got the bride positioned just right, then she directed the four ladies to where she wanted, so that they were bent over with their hands seeming to adjust the dress. One big problem was the four ladies have very low-cut dresses AND they were bending over. I tried to get that idea across to the bride but she wanted it done HER WAY!! Her mother chose that moment to chime in and tell me to just do it. Imagine their shock at seeing a lot of cleavage when I delivered the prints. I reminded both bride and Mother than *they* refused to listen to my warning and then had to explain why the exposed chests couldn't simply be removed in Photoshop! The husbands/boyfriends of those four ladies did order several large prints to hang on their walls. ;^)

Designing a Tomato box, sent it out for approval.... Client: " The Tomatoes are not round enough. " Me: ( Revised the graphic and sent it out again for approval. ) Client: " Could you make it rounder? " Me: I'm sorry, the Tomatoes are perfectly circle. Client: " Ok, then make the circle rounder." Me: ................

I currently work as a contractor doing phone support for a mid- size east coast bank. I find it scary that some of the people who call us handle other peoples' money. Among all of the horror stories I have of users calling in, this one takes the cake so far: We get a lot of phone calls from users coming back from vacation or disability and they forget their passwords. On this day, I got a phone call from an older woman saying she needed her LAN password reset. The conversation went like this: Me: "Hello [insert bank name here] help desk, this is me speaking, can I have your employee number? User: [gives employee number] Me: And how can I help you today? user: i need my password reset for [network client] Me: OK, no problem, I just need to verify your information. Could I have the first 5 of your SSN? User: *5 keypad tones are heard* me: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, this is not a computer speaking. I need you to verbally tell me these numbers. User: Oh ok *enters her numbers into the phone again* (At this point I had my head in my hands because it was obvious this woman was oblivious to what I was telling her.) Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but you need to SPEAK into the telephone and verbally tell me the first 5 of your SSN. User: Oh my goodness, I'm sorry *tells me her info* Me: Ok, and your date of birth? User: *keypad tones* Me (thinking): AAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I worked in a drug store (pharmacy in NZ) printing 1 hour photos through a mini lab. customer: These photos you just printed for me are blurry. print them again and do it properly this time. me: Um.. that means your originals are probably blurry, we can't fix this sorry, leave the prints if you like and there will be no charge. customer: They were fine when I took them. me: Can I have a look at your camera? I find picture in camera, zoom in and show the customer how blurry her photo is and tell her there is nothing my computer or printer can do to fix this. Customer goes and complains to the shop supervisor. I get told off for not ordering and installing software that can fix blurry photos.

I was working as an interior decorator, doing a custom glazed painting job in a kitchen/dining room. After exhaustive efforts in picking colors and glazes, and running all of them by the client, we finally settled on a combination that was exactly what she wanted. I finished one wall, and since she was rather difficult to start with AND it was not my first ro-de-o, I called her in to look at it. She looked, looked, hemmed, hawed, and then said. "It's great! It's just what I asked for. Except, well, I wonder, could you make it brighter and darker?" Sure. You bet. Let me just get right on that. Brighter AND darker. 'Cause that's how colors work.

"I want the 58x65 mm ad. You should probably make sure it fits the newspaper's requirements of 80x71 mm."

I am a consultant for a small IT firm. Customer calls me frantically about an issue with email. Cust: Email is down can you come out to take a look at whats wrong. Me: I will be there in about 2 hours because I am on-site at another client. Cust: No no we need you right now we are down and losing money. Me: Ok let me find someone to finish up some of this and I will be right over. I get there about 30 min after the phone call. Me: How long has the email been down? Cust: Its been down for about 2 hours. Me: Ok lets seen what the problem is After taking a look at the server they were running the whole exchange environment on a single HDD. But I thought there can be no way that any tech group would allow this to happen. So then i called the main office to talk to a previous tech that had been out about a month ago to fix some other issues. He told me he a signed letter explaining that if they ran there setup on one hdd that we would not be liable for any damages or litigation pertaining to the lost hardware. I talked to the customer explaining that all of the exchange logs, and database were on this damaged drive and that it failed and all of the data would have to be restore from tape. Cust: We dont have any backups. Me: Walk out the door.

A colleague of mine worked in IT support for a company with several office locations. Each office had laserjet printers that they printed receipts from. Each and every week without fail a certain store location would call him to report that they were having problems and could not print. The problem was that when paper was being added to the printer the drawer was not being shut properly and the printer would beep to alert that the drawer needed to be shut. Frustrated at the fact that no one seemed to remember this no matter how many times he told them, he sent out a memo. The memo was received and still he received call after call about the printer beeping and not printing. So during the next support call he advised the person calling in that he had a method to solve the problem but needed their help and he could all but guarantee that this would happen again. Here was the solution.... He asked the gentleman on the other end help him by putting the monitor of the computer into an office chair. He explained that he needed him to pull the computer out from under the under the desk to give some slack in the cords he then asked them to push the monitor in front of the computer so that he could see the printer through the screen. The employee struggled with the computer a bit, put the monitor in an office chair and pushed the monitor in front of the printer. He explained that the monitor had to be set just the right angle. He proceeded to have the employee adjust the screen to be "exactly lined up with the printer". After several minutes of "a little to the left" and "tilt the screen down" he said "AHA! I see exactly what the problem is!" "You need to shut the door on the printer". He heard a click on the other end and needless to say he was right, it fixed the problem once and for all.