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Sunday February 18, 2018
Total Stupid Comments : 8391

Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

Quotes must have at least 20 votes to be eligible for the Top 20.

gargravarr #8391  |   Rating: 7.56

Holy... right, so I've read a LOT of these stories, and on several other sites, and I thought users having problems with things like mice were totally made up. Nobody, I mean nobody, could be that dumb... right?? This happened today. Scenario: me, DevOps engineer, him, experienced QA guy. Our web product needs official Safari support soon, so he's asked me for access to the only iMac in the company; because of a variety of reasons, the iMac has been placed on the same row of desks as him. I later find out he has owned modern Macs in the last few years, which makes this quite ridiculous. So, I'm VNC'd into the Mac, on the User management screen, about to set up his user account. Over company IM, this happens: [‎24/‎04/‎2017 10:58 AM] me: so on the iMac screen tell you what, rather than me generating you a random password want to enter a your own? [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:00 AM] QA guy: yup is it unique to that machine and won't ever change? [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:00 AM] me: correct [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:01 AM] QA guy: ok what smart-ass inverted the mouse on it... [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:01 AM] me: /me whistles (is the Apple logo the right way up on the mouse?) [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:01 AM] QA guy: oh wow... (facepalm) the damned thing is basically simmetrical Since this was over IM, and he's in another building, he didn't get to hear me crack up with laughter, so loud that the other people in the office all wondered what had happened. Upon sending them the chat log above, they immediately understood! I can sorta understand the guy, the Apple Magic Mouse has no clear 'up' or 'down', but the fact that he immediately concluded someone had gone to the trouble of inverting the mouse in software, rather than the straight and simple action of spinning the hardware 180 degrees, is beyond me! Our cleaning staff don't get paid enough for pulling pranks like this!

blimblam #8383  |   Rating: 4.93

Working with a Client with Remote Desktop Issues: Client: "I've been remoting into my computer for 15 years and I've never had to have my computer on to remote into it!"

peterstuyvesant #5055  |   Rating: 4.72

Whilst discussing user manuals with a CMS user: "My first computer training manual didn't tell how to switch on the computer. There's so many buttons - how am I suppose to know which one it is"

jasstrump #6785  |   Rating: 4.72

A client _who has a past due balance_ is talking about one of HIS clients: "If they can't afford to pay me, then they shouldn't have contracted me in the first place!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Footnote: He lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (one of the wealthiest zip codes in the US) and my bill is equal to less than one week of his rent. I'm switching to retainers from now on.

Tech_Guy #7569  |   Rating: 4.72

I work in a large ELECTRONICS store. As in, we don't carry cloths, or pet supplies, or food. Just electronics and their related peripherals. My job is not to answer phones, but to sell computers. However, one of our employees that answers the phones called out sick, and I decided to help cover while his replacement came into the store. At least 5 times during 2 hours I was answering the phone, someone called and asked for the electronics department. I kindly explain that we are an electronics store, and offer to help them locate a product or if they would like to give me an idea of what they are looking for (ie, a computer, tv, a movie, etc) I can transfer them to the respective department. One customer that I explained this to, did not like my answer. So she hung up, and called back, obviously expecting to get someone else. When I answered, she muttered something about the line must have gotten cut off, and hung up again. This cycle repeated itself 12 times before she finally gave up. About an hour after this, the replacement came in, and I went back to selling computers. Not 20 min. later, a very loud and angry woman came in. She was upset that the person answering the phone couldn't just transfer her to the electronics department, so she had to drive all the way in. Turns out she wanted a computer that we hadn't had in stock for 3 days, and weren't due to get for another 3 days. A simple answer I could have provided her over the phone in 30 seconds.

Shannon #3440  |   Rating: 4.71

We built a real estate ad that included a photo of the agent. We placed the photo she sent us at 100%. When she received her proof, we got a very angry phone call wanting to know why we stretched her photo to make her look fat. We double checked the photo placement and assured her we had placed it at 100% x 100%. "Well, I don't know what you did to it then, but fix it so I don't look fat." We of course then placed it at about 96% x 100% Not sure if that made her happy, but we didn't hear from her again. :)

blah #5112  |   Rating: 4.71

This is probably a basic and common issue, but with clients, some concepts can be deceptively simple: client: you mean we have to pay the developers for extra things we want done that we didn't specify? me: yes (what do you think? fairies are going to program your CRM tool?)

redlila #6464  |   Rating: 4.71

At a movie theater. Customer: Are you guys playing -movie-? Me: Yes. Customer: Are you playing it like on a screen? Me: ...Yes. Customer: -stares awkwardly- Thanks.

mylifeisaclientcopia #6812  |   Rating: 4.71

Just one example of a conversation that's ended the same way, so many times... "My anti-spyware program deleted a virus from my computer, and now I can't connect to the internet anymore!" "Ok. Let me have you click Start, then Run, then type cmd, and then click ok. Now, in the black and white box that opens up, type in, 'netsh winsock reset catalog', and then press enter." "It's telling me I have to reboot my computer." "Ok, go ahead and reboot." After the reboot... "Oh, hey, actually, nevermind, somehow it just connected back up to the internet on it's own. Huh, that's weird. You're not going to charge me for this, are you??"

10  Kolino #6852  |   Rating: 4.71

So i was a seasonal employee at best buy (BOO) up untill a few days ago. This actually happened to me twice as i was selling a laptop. Cust- So tis computer comes with a charger right? me- Yes Cust- but i dont have internet... Me- ok... and.. Cust- well i cant charge the laptop without the internet right?

11  westfork #7071  |   Rating: 4.71

I'm working with a local non-profit that is looking for a new hosting company. I quoted them a rock bottom, give it away price and sent our standard hosting contract... This was in the reply from their controller: "I'm also not sure why you would be creating the contract when we would be paying you. Usually when we are paying someone else for a service, if there is a contract to be made, we make it." Man, would I love to see the contracts they wrote and got the phone, cell phone and cable companies to sign...

12  JK #7151  |   Rating: 4.71

I've been working as a contractor for a public sector client for a few years now. I work from home and get asked to come on site for meeting now and then. I'd not been to the clients office for 4 months (due to my wife having a baby) when the client called me for an urgent meeting. I help build their website and they basically have a pattern where the manager in charge of the site only lasts 5-6 months then they leave and get replaced. I and the IT team have been there years so this is quite comical to us. The meeting was basically called because they had just changed managers and the new manager wanted to get the site updated ASAP. So I turn up early for the meeting IT turn up and another contractor turns up but no manager. Over an hour and a half later the manager turns up (it was only a 2 hour meeting). She storms into the room sits at the head of the table and launches into a speech taken straight out of a motivational management hand book basically repeating how she needs us to help her reach the organisations goals and how she cant do it without us all the time swinging her arms and being quite forceful. After the motivational speech we start going though the updates for the site all of which where commissioned by the last manager 4 months before. I start explaining what each update will change on the site and what it will allow people to do. For nearly every update she says what a load of crap, who authorised that?, drop it we dont need it, etc. Basically everything Ive done for the last 4 months gets dropped in 20 minutes of meeting by a person thats probably only been in the job 2 days. Normally I would have been upset by all this but as Ive already been paid Ive decided the only way to keep my sanity to relax and not panic. In 6 months itll be a new manager and theyll want all this back in and I can charge again. Its good to be a contractor :D

13  danno74 #7301  |   Rating: 4.71

In client meeting, getting briefed on the design of an Annual Report. Client: Now, explain to me what 'layout' means, I just don't get it. Me: Well, it's the overall visual design of the document. Client: I still don't get it. Me: (silence for 5 seconds)... well, it's the design of the document... 'layout' just means placing all of the elements on each page so it works visually. Client: Nope, I still don't get it. Me: Sigh.

14  kimmo242 #7367  |   Rating: 4.71

we just received this on fax... "hello, we need each of these business cards blown up to a3 size, thanks" on page two, 5 blurry, unrecognisable black blobs representative of the business cards for us to blow up to the size of an a3 poster, no doubt in colour and perfect quality. wtf.

15  clientsarealwayscorrect? #7451  |   Rating: 4.71

I have a client who decided he wanted to use some of his own photography (he is a ironmonger) in his brochure for decorative fencing. He appears one day with 7 prints and I think to myself ok, little unusual for a non professional to be using film. However, when I put the photographs face down in my scanner I notice they are imprinted on the back with the logo of a well know instant digital photo printing kiosk, when I ask him if he has these on a SD card her replies yes but he though it would be cheaper to go buy the print himself for me to scan than for me to go and have to print them and charge him extra! This however is not the end of the tale... The following day he appears with the SD card and I put in it my card reader, iPhoto opens and starts to import the photographs...the photos start innocent enough but quickly tun into a what can only be described as a pornographic slideshow of pictures of him and his wife before I manage to yank the card out! Now this may sound embarassing enough but my mother happens to be our book-keeper and sits two desks back with full view of my monitors...

16  Rob #7558  |   Rating: 4.71

I worked in a drug store (pharmacy in NZ) printing 1 hour photos through a mini lab. customer: These photos you just printed for me are blurry. print them again and do it properly this time. me: Um.. that means your originals are probably blurry, we can't fix this sorry, leave the prints if you like and there will be no charge. customer: They were fine when I took them. me: Can I have a look at your camera? I find picture in camera, zoom in and show the customer how blurry her photo is and tell her there is nothing my computer or printer can do to fix this. Customer goes and complains to the shop supervisor. I get told off for not ordering and installing software that can fix blurry photos.

17  Evm #7627  |   Rating: 4.71

Quite a few years ago my mother worked at a law firm and became their computer technical support for the less savvy secretaries. She was called down to one computer that sat on a desk you could barely find under all the paper. The secretary was complaining that the mouse didn't work anymore. Mum restarts the computer, checks its plugged in etc... until she realizes that the mouse lead is moving too freely. After clearing off the desk she discovers that the secretary managed to catch the mouse lead whilst hole punching some papers and had hole punched right through it.

18  Rod #7639  |   Rating: 4.71

Years ago I was working in the analytical dep't of a large chemical company. Young hot-shot engineer comes in with some contaminated product... what is the contaminant? I did a few tests and confirmed that it was iron. Engineer... No, it can't be. The whole process is made of steel!

19  leafonline #7675  |   Rating: 4.71

Client: Do you have any suggestions for an eco-friendly card??? My reply: You can certainly ask our rep about paper choices that are FSC certified, or at the very least recycled. There are a lot more choices today than ever before. Also, you can ask to have them printed using soy-based inks, which contain significantly less volatile organic compounds (VOCs) than traditional printing inks. Client: Actually I think my boss is just looking for colors on the card to be eco, not the ink or the card... My silent scream came after I read that.

20  Amanda #7689  |   Rating: 4.71

I work as an assistant to some system admins and usually end up fixing staff machines with viruses. Someone comes in one day carrying a tower. Client: "Hey, uh, can anyone here fix this?" Me: "Yeah, sure thing. What's wrong with it?" Client: "I don't know. Probably a virus or something, keeps popping up ads and stuff." Me: "All right, that shouldn't be too much of a problem. Is there a password on the machine?" Client: "Listen, is there someone else who could fix this?" Me: "No, sir, both of my bosses are busy this week and my coworkers have other assignments." Client: "Well are you sure?" Me: "..yes. Everyone else is busy." Client: "Ok. I'll bring it back later. I want, you know, a guy to fix it." Guess later my boss told him to deal with whatever was wrong with his computer. :)