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Monday May 28, 2018
Total Stupid Comments : 8391

Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

Quotes must have at least 20 votes to be eligible for the Top 20.

gargravarr #8391  |   Rating: 6.02

Holy... right, so I've read a LOT of these stories, and on several other sites, and I thought users having problems with things like mice were totally made up. Nobody, I mean nobody, could be that dumb... right?? This happened today. Scenario: me, DevOps engineer, him, experienced QA guy. Our web product needs official Safari support soon, so he's asked me for access to the only iMac in the company; because of a variety of reasons, the iMac has been placed on the same row of desks as him. I later find out he has owned modern Macs in the last few years, which makes this quite ridiculous. So, I'm VNC'd into the Mac, on the User management screen, about to set up his user account. Over company IM, this happens: [‎24/‎04/‎2017 10:58 AM] me: so on the iMac screen tell you what, rather than me generating you a random password want to enter a your own? [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:00 AM] QA guy: yup is it unique to that machine and won't ever change? [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:00 AM] me: correct [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:01 AM] QA guy: ok what smart-ass inverted the mouse on it... [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:01 AM] me: /me whistles (is the Apple logo the right way up on the mouse?) [‎24/‎04/‎2017 11:01 AM] QA guy: oh wow... (facepalm) the damned thing is basically simmetrical Since this was over IM, and he's in another building, he didn't get to hear me crack up with laughter, so loud that the other people in the office all wondered what had happened. Upon sending them the chat log above, they immediately understood! I can sorta understand the guy, the Apple Magic Mouse has no clear 'up' or 'down', but the fact that he immediately concluded someone had gone to the trouble of inverting the mouse in software, rather than the straight and simple action of spinning the hardware 180 degrees, is beyond me! Our cleaning staff don't get paid enough for pulling pranks like this!

blimblam #8383  |   Rating: 4.93

Working with a Client with Remote Desktop Issues: Client: "I've been remoting into my computer for 15 years and I've never had to have my computer on to remote into it!"

peterstuyvesant #5055  |   Rating: 4.72

Whilst discussing user manuals with a CMS user: "My first computer training manual didn't tell how to switch on the computer. There's so many buttons - how am I suppose to know which one it is"

jasstrump #6785  |   Rating: 4.72

A client _who has a past due balance_ is talking about one of HIS clients: "If they can't afford to pay me, then they shouldn't have contracted me in the first place!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Footnote: He lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (one of the wealthiest zip codes in the US) and my bill is equal to less than one week of his rent. I'm switching to retainers from now on.

Tech_Guy #7569  |   Rating: 4.72

I work in a large ELECTRONICS store. As in, we don't carry cloths, or pet supplies, or food. Just electronics and their related peripherals. My job is not to answer phones, but to sell computers. However, one of our employees that answers the phones called out sick, and I decided to help cover while his replacement came into the store. At least 5 times during 2 hours I was answering the phone, someone called and asked for the electronics department. I kindly explain that we are an electronics store, and offer to help them locate a product or if they would like to give me an idea of what they are looking for (ie, a computer, tv, a movie, etc) I can transfer them to the respective department. One customer that I explained this to, did not like my answer. So she hung up, and called back, obviously expecting to get someone else. When I answered, she muttered something about the line must have gotten cut off, and hung up again. This cycle repeated itself 12 times before she finally gave up. About an hour after this, the replacement came in, and I went back to selling computers. Not 20 min. later, a very loud and angry woman came in. She was upset that the person answering the phone couldn't just transfer her to the electronics department, so she had to drive all the way in. Turns out she wanted a computer that we hadn't had in stock for 3 days, and weren't due to get for another 3 days. A simple answer I could have provided her over the phone in 30 seconds.

Reproduction Technician #8000  |   Rating: 4.72

In the printroom where I work: "I want this done in half an hour." "Sorry, the printer needs an hour for this bulk job, at the very minimum." ...30 minutes later... "Why is the job only half-done?"

Shannon #3440  |   Rating: 4.71

We built a real estate ad that included a photo of the agent. We placed the photo she sent us at 100%. When she received her proof, we got a very angry phone call wanting to know why we stretched her photo to make her look fat. We double checked the photo placement and assured her we had placed it at 100% x 100%. "Well, I don't know what you did to it then, but fix it so I don't look fat." We of course then placed it at about 96% x 100% Not sure if that made her happy, but we didn't hear from her again. :)

blah #5112  |   Rating: 4.71

This is probably a basic and common issue, but with clients, some concepts can be deceptively simple: client: you mean we have to pay the developers for extra things we want done that we didn't specify? me: yes (what do you think? fairies are going to program your CRM tool?)

PaperTiger #5910  |   Rating: 4.71

Client contracts for and pays an advance on a poster/postcard package. I finish the poster. Then the client decides that the small 4 x 6 postcard is instead going to become a large 5 x 8 invitation with heavy text on all three panels. I tell him that's going to be more money. He want to know why. Patiently I explain that 5 x 8 is larger than 4 x 6 and 4 panels are more than 2 sides. So then he cries, "But it's just text!"

10  redlila #6464  |   Rating: 4.71

At a movie theater. Customer: Are you guys playing -movie-? Me: Yes. Customer: Are you playing it like on a screen? Me: ...Yes. Customer: -stares awkwardly- Thanks.

11  mylifeisaclientcopia #6812  |   Rating: 4.71

Just one example of a conversation that's ended the same way, so many times... "My anti-spyware program deleted a virus from my computer, and now I can't connect to the internet anymore!" "Ok. Let me have you click Start, then Run, then type cmd, and then click ok. Now, in the black and white box that opens up, type in, 'netsh winsock reset catalog', and then press enter." "It's telling me I have to reboot my computer." "Ok, go ahead and reboot." After the reboot... "Oh, hey, actually, nevermind, somehow it just connected back up to the internet on it's own. Huh, that's weird. You're not going to charge me for this, are you??"

12  that_guy #6851  |   Rating: 4.71

Client: Can you make the enter button act like the tab button? Me: So that when you hit enter it moves you to the next field? Client: Yes Me: Um, OK... Client: (A week later) Can you make so when I hit the tab button it makes the calculations? Me: Ummm, the enter button should do that... Client: well we don't like it that way... Me: Umm, OK... Me: Did you want me to remap anything else on your keyboard? (why did I ask that? I do not know) Client: You can do that? Me: (banging head on desk) Client: can you change the control key shortcuts to use the alt keys instead? Me: Ummm... Client: Oh yes and can you move the keypad (the 10 key), so that its like my laptop (press a key and have the letters function as the 10 key) Me: I'll have to charge you for all those changes. Client: I'll pay it if it'll work on all the programs we use Me: Nope it'll only work on what we code for you Client: Oh, how much will it cost for it to work on all computers? Me: ... I'll have to talk to sales on any price modifications Client: Please do. In the end I didn't have to make any key remappings.... thank goodness!

13  Kolino #6852  |   Rating: 4.71

So i was a seasonal employee at best buy (BOO) up untill a few days ago. This actually happened to me twice as i was selling a laptop. Cust- So tis computer comes with a charger right? me- Yes Cust- but i dont have internet... Me- ok... and.. Cust- well i cant charge the laptop without the internet right?

14  westfork #7071  |   Rating: 4.71

I'm working with a local non-profit that is looking for a new hosting company. I quoted them a rock bottom, give it away price and sent our standard hosting contract... This was in the reply from their controller: "I'm also not sure why you would be creating the contract when we would be paying you. Usually when we are paying someone else for a service, if there is a contract to be made, we make it." Man, would I love to see the contracts they wrote and got the phone, cell phone and cable companies to sign...

15  JK #7151  |   Rating: 4.71

I've been working as a contractor for a public sector client for a few years now. I work from home and get asked to come on site for meeting now and then. I'd not been to the clients office for 4 months (due to my wife having a baby) when the client called me for an urgent meeting. I help build their website and they basically have a pattern where the manager in charge of the site only lasts 5-6 months then they leave and get replaced. I and the IT team have been there years so this is quite comical to us. The meeting was basically called because they had just changed managers and the new manager wanted to get the site updated ASAP. So I turn up early for the meeting IT turn up and another contractor turns up but no manager. Over an hour and a half later the manager turns up (it was only a 2 hour meeting). She storms into the room sits at the head of the table and launches into a speech taken straight out of a motivational management hand book basically repeating how she needs us to help her reach the organisations goals and how she cant do it without us all the time swinging her arms and being quite forceful. After the motivational speech we start going though the updates for the site all of which where commissioned by the last manager 4 months before. I start explaining what each update will change on the site and what it will allow people to do. For nearly every update she says what a load of crap, who authorised that?, drop it we dont need it, etc. Basically everything Ive done for the last 4 months gets dropped in 20 minutes of meeting by a person thats probably only been in the job 2 days. Normally I would have been upset by all this but as Ive already been paid Ive decided the only way to keep my sanity to relax and not panic. In 6 months itll be a new manager and theyll want all this back in and I can charge again. Its good to be a contractor :D

16  mike #7196  |   Rating: 4.71

A long time ago I worked as the System Designer for a medium-sized engineering company, and the immediate requirement was for a database that would contain full details of how every product was manufactured (parts lists, sub-assemblies, details of each stage of production of each part, and so on) This was to be used for Production Planning as well as for Costing. While arranging the data-input though I discovered that the number of changes of such data (as recorded on "Change Notes") was extraordinarily high, but that a high proportion of such Change Notes did no more than cancel a previous one. (Literally, the complete text of such a cancellation might read "Do not implement Change Number XXX") I discovered that whenever a Change Note resulted in new tooling, new drawings or whatever, those involved habitually kept the old stuff aside for up to a year, so as to be able to merely switch everything back when the relevant change got cancelled, but with the hardware and software then available, keeping a record of the effects of every change in such a way that any given change could be reversed in a similar way was simply not a possibility. Even if the full effect of any given change could have been unambiguously identified, there would often have been all kinds of issues when more than one change had affected a single product. It then occurred to me that my employer was spending large multiples of my salary each month in getting hundreds of unwanted changes made and then scrapped, and with a little more investigation I discovered that those involved often knew very well that a particular change would be revoked but assumed that every change they saw had been ordered by the Technical Director, while in fact no check was made on the feasibility or cost etc of any change until after it was implemented !! I introduced a proposal that would have subjected each proposal to at least a cursory check before it was cleared to be implemented, and a meeting was held to consider this. The Technical Director vetoed the whole idea though, because although it would have saved the company a multiple of my salary, it would have meant that the documentation ran to one extra sheet of A4 paper per change, a total of about 500 sheets per month, and as the Technical Director put it "We really must avoid wasting money on stationery!" It was only when I got back to my office that I realised that what I should have done was to offer to pay for all the extra paper myself (500 sheets/month) in exchange for (say) half of the savings that would have been made by the company.

17  danno74 #7301  |   Rating: 4.71

In client meeting, getting briefed on the design of an Annual Report. Client: Now, explain to me what 'layout' means, I just don't get it. Me: Well, it's the overall visual design of the document. Client: I still don't get it. Me: (silence for 5 seconds)... well, it's the design of the document... 'layout' just means placing all of the elements on each page so it works visually. Client: Nope, I still don't get it. Me: Sigh.

18  kimmo242 #7367  |   Rating: 4.71

we just received this on fax... "hello, we need each of these business cards blown up to a3 size, thanks" on page two, 5 blurry, unrecognisable black blobs representative of the business cards for us to blow up to the size of an a3 poster, no doubt in colour and perfect quality. wtf.

19  clientsarealwayscorrect? #7451  |   Rating: 4.71

I have a client who decided he wanted to use some of his own photography (he is a ironmonger) in his brochure for decorative fencing. He appears one day with 7 prints and I think to myself ok, little unusual for a non professional to be using film. However, when I put the photographs face down in my scanner I notice they are imprinted on the back with the logo of a well know instant digital photo printing kiosk, when I ask him if he has these on a SD card her replies yes but he though it would be cheaper to go buy the print himself for me to scan than for me to go and have to print them and charge him extra! This however is not the end of the tale... The following day he appears with the SD card and I put in it my card reader, iPhoto opens and starts to import the photographs...the photos start innocent enough but quickly tun into a what can only be described as a pornographic slideshow of pictures of him and his wife before I manage to yank the card out! Now this may sound embarassing enough but my mother happens to be our book-keeper and sits two desks back with full view of my monitors...

20  Rob #7558  |   Rating: 4.71

I worked in a drug store (pharmacy in NZ) printing 1 hour photos through a mini lab. customer: These photos you just printed for me are blurry. print them again and do it properly this time. me: Um.. that means your originals are probably blurry, we can't fix this sorry, leave the prints if you like and there will be no charge. customer: They were fine when I took them. me: Can I have a look at your camera? I find picture in camera, zoom in and show the customer how blurry her photo is and tell her there is nothing my computer or printer can do to fix this. Customer goes and complains to the shop supervisor. I get told off for not ordering and installing software that can fix blurry photos.