The 20 most recent Stupid Client Quotes from Clientcopia. http://clientcopia.com/ Copyright 2005 Clientcopia
I once spent 3 days troubleshooting a windows 2000 machine that wouldn't connect to the LAN. I reinstalled windows half a dozen times, verified the router was working a dozen more, checked all the IRQ's and DMA channels (shows how long ago this was) and everything else I could think of. No matter what I did it wouldn't connect. And yes... I DID check to see if the LAN cable was plugged in.

I finally decided to swap out the LAN cable even though it had been working earlier.

Turns out I had the end of one cable plugged into the NIC card - the end of a DIFFERENT cable plugged into the wall.

duh!
]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7209 Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:48:25 EST
In an alarmingly high proportion of posts on Clientcopia, the non-IT person is shown as seeming unnecessarily aggressive, and I want to suggest that in *some* cases this follows from having been treated as an imbecile by IT professionals.

A common example of that attitude is assuming that because some clients are utterly ignorant of all things IT, therefore nothing a client ever says can ever contain sense or be worth serious attention, and dropping into a standard response that (in some cases) is visibly irrelevant to the problem as presented. (eg I wrote to France Telecom complaining that their website was so obscurely structured that after half an hoour of searching I could not find the screen on which I could pay my phone bill online, and please how could I do this. The immediate response asked me for (amongst other things) the error message I had encountered, the value of the invoice I had been trying to pay, which bank had issued my debit card, and where I had entered my card number etc. Obviously this was a mindless standard response to ALL enquiries)

Another situation that clearly antagonises non-IT people is being belittled for not knowing the (latest) jargon, and I think that many contributors to this Clientcopia would do well to remember the words of A. Einstein. He famously said: "Anything that you cannot explain to your aged grandmother you do not yourself really understand". Rememberr that all you "experts". If you really know your stuff you can explain it clearly enough for anyone to understand, anyone at all, no matter how dozy &c they may be. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7208 Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:10:29 EST
I work for a government agency that investigates complaints of discrimination, including, for example, homophobia. Quite often our case officers will need to do research online for their cases.

A few months back, our parents government department implemented a new internet content filter, and a large amount of inoffensive GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and trans) sites are being blocked, including activism sites, community groups, and queer news outlets.

We're an agency that deals with discriminatory behaviour against GLBT people, among other groups, and our access to relevant websites is being blocked because they have been deemed "offensive". We are trying to explain to the stubborn idiots in IT management that this is a crazy situation, but they are telling us they are doing nothing wrong and the filter is working perfectly.

The crazy thing is that we may be forced to make a complaint *to ourselves* about our own department, all because the central IT management are too arrogant to admit their web filter is broken. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7207 Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:07:13 EST
Maybe some readers of this site will understand better than I do how the minds of marketing people work, but one company for whom I worked (while still in IT) included in its range two types of pen that were called the "Student" and the "Scholar", which would have been fine except that for some unimaginable reason, in about three or four countries of the world the pen that was normally known as the Scholar became the Student, and the pen that was known elsewhere as the Student was sold as the Scholar. (As I said, I have no idea of how marketing people make such marketing decisions!)

Any sales clerk who received an order transcribed it onto a form on which a complete list of product-names was already printed so after entering customer details he/she had only to enter quantities for each item.

The trouble was that they considered when they wrote a quantity agains either "Student" or "Scholar" any other department who had to deal with that form shoud correctly understand which pens were actually meant, ie should recognise when "Student" meant "Scholar" or vice versa. ("Any other department" here including the data-entry clerks who had to assign Product Numbers to the order).

To counter this, I agreed with my boss that we should propose a change to the order form. There should be an extra column to contain the actual Product Number, and instead of the existing two lines saying merely "Scholar" and "Student" there should be a line for each of the two Product Numbers, one saying "Scholar (= Student in XXXX, YYYY, and ZZZZ)" and the other saying "Student (= Scholar in XXXX, YYYY, and ZZZZ)"

My boss took this idea to a meeting with the big chief of Sales, and came back with the good news that said big chief had agreed completely, "but with two little changes" (his words).

The first was not to have Product Numbers anywhere on the form ("because they might confuse people") and the other was to simplify the Scholar and Student entries to a single word in each case. (Go figure, as they say.)

I never did find out what my boss thought he had achieved in that meeting. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7206 Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:55:50 EST
For reasons that I now find inexplicable, I left IT and became a teacher, and my next "stupid" story is about my first Headmaster (what you Americans call the Principal)

It seemed that a number of pupils were leaving class before the official bell for the end of the day, and some of them were creating quite a nuisance outside the windows of classrooms where lessons were still in progress. Naturally the conscientious teachers whose lives were thus made more difficult resented this and the Head was asked to do something about it.

His response, given at a regular staff meeting, was to instruct those of us who were affected "not to put up with such nuisance" and if/when it did occur to phone through to his office so that he could come and sort the offenders out. So far so good, but what was the next announcement that he made?

It was apparently necessary to reduce the cost of admin staff, so a number of changes would be made, one of which was that the switchboard would no longer be operated in the afternoons. That would have been OK except that the whole system was manual, so no operator meant that no internal calls could be made during any afternoon - not even to the Head's office as per his previous announcement! ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7205 Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:29:32 EST
A long time ago I worked as the System Designer for a medium-sized engineering company, and the immediate requirement was for a database that would contain full details of how every product was manufactured (parts lists, sub-assemblies, details of each stage of production of each part, and so on) This was to be used for Production Planning as well as for Costing.

While arranging the data-input though I discovered that the number of changes of such data (as recorded on "Change Notes") was extraordinarily high, but that a high proportion of such Change Notes did no more than cancel a previous one. (Literally, the complete text of such a cancellation might read "Do not implement Change Number XXX")

I discovered that whenever a Change Note resulted in new tooling, new drawings or whatever, those involved habitually kept the old stuff aside for up to a year, so as to be able to merely switch everything back when the relevant change got cancelled, but with the hardware and software then available, keeping a record of the effects of every change in such a way that any given change could be reversed in a similar way was simply not a possibility. Even if the full effect of any given change could have been unambiguously identified, there would often have been all kinds of issues when more than one change had affected a single product.

It then occurred to me that my employer was spending large multiples of my salary each month in getting hundreds of unwanted changes made and then scrapped, and with a little more investigation I discovered that those involved often knew very well that a particular change would be revoked but assumed that every change they saw had been ordered by the Technical Director, while in fact no check was made on the feasibility or cost etc of any change until after it was implemented !!

I introduced a proposal that would have subjected each proposal to at least a cursory check before it was cleared to be implemented, and a meeting was held to consider this.

The Technical Director vetoed the whole idea though, because although it would have saved the company a multiple of my salary, it would have meant that the documentation ran to one extra sheet of A4 paper per change, a total of about 500 sheets per month, and as the Technical Director put it "We really must avoid wasting money on stationery!"

It was only when I got back to my office that I realised that what I should have done was to offer to pay for all the extra paper myself (500 sheets/month) in exchange for (say) half of the savings that would have been made by the company.



]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7204 Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:15:17 EST
Client: I'd like to go over our migration proposal with you...
Me: Fine. Have you ordered the new server yet?
Client: Err, sorry I'm not quite with you there. Do I need a new server?
Me: ... ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7203 Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:43:02 EST
need to develop 40-60 templates for sites on topics like fitness and body building.

The templates need to provided in the form of PSDs - each template will have either 1 or 2 pages max. I'll specify each and every element that goes into a template, for example, a product block, or a video etc.

Following is an overview of the requirement:

1. 40 - 60 template designs - final deliverables to be in the form of a PSD.

2. All templates related to body building / fitness.

3. Every template to have a unique design and images (I'll provide you the images; infact I can provide you a 1 month access to photos.com)

Budget: USD 20/ template


*** YEA RIGHT... GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! *** ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7202 Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:40:31 EST
I just asked a client to open a word document and they told me they don't have any documents on their desk.
]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7201 Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:29:39 EST
Smart people can sometimes do stupid things.

When my lady friend would prepare dinner for me, it was often undercooked.

"My microwave needs fixing. It's weak," she explained.

I checked it out. I turns out that she would mentally calculate the seconds and
punch that number in. For example, to cook for 2 minutes, she would punch 120.
Of course, that cooked for 80 seconds, not 120.

I was unable to convince her that she should punch 200.

Before she retired, this woman had been head purchasing agent for a thriving local
retail chain, and was still a skilled bridge and scrabble player. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7200 Fri, 26 Jun 2009 10:57:14 EST
In early June, Loyds Bank (one of the biggest banks in UK) sent out a fourteen-page booklet to every single one of their customers. It was entitled "Your guide to our savings interest rates" and contained many hundreds of different rates that could have been taken advantage of by anyone happening to fulfil the conditions under which each one applied.

The stupid part was that this booklet (which they sent out in June 2009) said quite clearly on the cover that it contained "Rates from 2 March 2008 up to 1 March 2009" - so why exactly did it seem a good idea to sent it out to millions of customers in June ? (I have been their customer for 50 years, and I have never seen such a booklet before, so it is not just a regular mailing gone late.) ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7199 Thu, 25 Jun 2009 05:54:30 EST
Short and sweet...

A user just asked me, "How do I add another template to my list of recently used templates?"

First reply that came to mind: "Uh... use it? D'uh."

My actual reply was more diplomatic. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7198 Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:37:37 EST
Worked for a client who thought he was some guru after reading a few books on staff managementl

Me: So, you understand, what you're asking for is simply not possible.
Client: I see. So, what can be done to make this work?
Me: A fundamental alteration to the laws of physics? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7197 Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:54:01 EST
The CEO's laptop was having a few problems, one of which was that the virus scanner kept reporting that its definitions library was out of date, even after a successful online update.

It wasn't until I installed MS Project on it for her that I noticed the system date was set over a year into the future. The virus scanner would update, then check the date and think the definitions were a year out of date and naturally alert the user. I fixed the date and all was well.

As for how the system date was changed - like many things one encounters while working helpdesk, it remains one of those unsolved mysteries... ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7196 Tue, 23 Jun 2009 22:15:03 EST
While working on a new web design (after having shown her the concept) she says the following regarding the menu options on the front page.

"No, I don't really like things to line up. I kind of like the options being all over the place."

.... >< ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7195 Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:54:52 EST
Trying to explain all things Google to a client. Showed her
Streetview and she said 'that's a fake - that looks like my car
outside my house, but I know for a fact it is parked outside your
office right now!'
Oh dear. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7194 Mon, 22 Jun 2009 04:58:31 EST
This has happened too many times to count:

Customer: "I have a problem with my VPN"
... So I start to debug their VPN client, only to find out they are logged into VPN and it is working fine. They are actually having a problem with some application or website that requires access to the corporate network..

I wonder if they say its a VPN problem when at the office. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7193 Sun, 21 Jun 2009 22:29:00 EST
I gave a friend some files on a CD.
Later,
Me: "Have you seen them yet?"
Him: "I put the CD in but nothing came up"
Thinks to myself maybe it's the autoplay settings.
Me:"Try it again then click on My Computer and you should see it."
Later still
Me: Did you try it?
Him:"Yes, but I couldn't figure out how to connect to your computer." ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7192 Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:18:42 EST
Client: [ Using my 'major emergency support channel' which rings alarms and such. ] There is a major problem on the website, search engines can not see meta tags!

[Sends me screenshot (!?) of the meta tag html.]

Me: Hmm, everything looks ok to me, why do you think there is a problem?

Client: LOOK CLOSER! See there are TWO spaces between meta and name="Description" ! There should be ONE!

Me: [speechless]
]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7191 Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:07:39 EST
Last year, I had a job that involved the creation of pdf forms for use nationwide. Due to local laws, a lot of states had to have different versions of the forms. In order to streamline the process of editing and proofing the various forms, I sat down with other members of my team, and we drew up a six-step process for setting up the forms. Step three was "Give the forms to the head of HR to verify accuracy." We ran this process by the head of HR, who said to me, "No, just move that to step six; we can always go back and revise." I asked, "Let me be clear: you're asking me to publish the forms *before* you check them?" She said, "Yes, that's going to be fine." A few days later, all the forms had been created ecxepting the one for Illinois, which had verbiage on it that I suspected to be wrong. I sent an e-mail to the head of HR informing her, and went back to formatting the form. She sent me an angry e-mail saying, "I thought I told you, just make the forms and ask about them later. Why are you wasting time with this e-mail when the forms can be getting done?" I wrote her back and informed her that I'd already finished the Illinois form since e-mailing her, and would have them on our website within the hour. (We didn't even have any clients in Illinois, by the way.) I put them on the site, made a hard copy of each form, highlighted the suspect info on the Illinois form, and dropped it all on her desk. The next day, she called me into her office to chew me out because the form was wrong. "Why did you put this on our site?!" she yelled at me. "Because you told me to." She gave me the corrections and sent me away. It took me all of two minutes to make the corrections and upload them. The next day I was fired for screwing up this unneeded form, and I was never so happy to leave a job as I was that one. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7190 Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:38:01 EST