The 20 most recent Stupid Client Quotes from Clientcopia. http://clientcopia.com/ Copyright 2005 Clientcopia
a customer calls and says he can't view web pages.after a quick look it was evident that the adsl router was not sychronizing; it had to be checked by our staff.so i tell him that we'll look it up and call him back.

just before hanging up, he drops the following; "-my house looks at the north, could it be the reason for the problem?"

-argh! ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7542 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:12:50 EST
Dealing with a client's internal graphics woman.

She requested some source files for and ad my company did for them. I replied asked what format she would like the files in. She said:

"I use photoshop(illustrator)."

</mylife> ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7541 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:51:47 EST
Can we start with the logo full screen - and then have it go off to the upper left hand corner with a Woosh sound? This might bring a bit more focus to the logo. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7540 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:59:21 EST
Working Tech Support years ago, I was asked to "get on" the customer's computer to
print out a sound byte.
After several attempts at being nice and diplomatic about how and why this was
impossible, the customer escalated to my boss.
Listening in on the recorded conversation later, the customer had given up, accusing
my boss of discrimination because the customer was both black and gay. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7539 Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:03:32 EST
CLIENT: Don't worry about the animation or links yet. I just want to see the overall design.

(File sent, four days of silence, and then...)

CLIENT: Why don't the links work? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7538 Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:07:10 EST
The usual, but why does this keep happening?

The client has several product spec sheets, all have the same format and layout
and are being edited at the same time. On some she wants "%" spelled out. On
others she wants "per cent" changed to "%". She also scrawls "Change this text" on
the copy without telling us what to change it to.

Rinse, repeat. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7537 Thu, 04 Feb 2010 04:09:03 EST
A few minutes ago my boss called me into his office, for a short meeting. He wants to make sure that we keep abreast of any publicity the video game our company is designing gets. Actually a pretty good idea. However...

Boss: "Put together a list of sites that have reviewed our game, and summarize what they said."

Me: "Um, that's not really possible."

Boss: "What?! Why not??"

Me: "Because we won't be releasing the game for another 6 months."

My boss spends a few moments chewing his lip, probably trying to work through his tiny brain why people who haven't heard about our game aren't yet talking about our game.

Boss, finally: "Do it anyway." ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7536 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:46:56 EST
I currently work as a developer and occasional GM for a certain popular MMO. To say our job is thankless would be a spectacular understatement. But, unlike many of my coworkers, I like to actually *play* the blasted game once in a while. We are able to do this by "going anonymous" under a false name that does not flag us to our customer base as being GMs. I have had to change much of the following story because of confidentiality issues and so the commands and identities are made up to give you the gist of the story, but I rather enjoyed this little event. When it started, I was under my anon ident and so the customer did not know he was addressing (and harassing) a GM:

LordFuzzy tells you: wut dz pst?
You tell LordFuzzy: I'm sorry I don't speak Stoopid. Would you try that again in English?
LordFuzzy tells you: **** does pst mean ****?
You tell LordFuzzy: No, it doesn't.
LordFuzzy tells you: Wat?
You tell LordFuzzy: No, "pst" does not mean "****."
LordFuzzy tells you: Jesus wat deos pst **** mean?!!!
You tell LordFuzzy: "please send tell"
LordFuzzy tells you: ****!! I just **** did!
LordFuzzy tells you: **** U! **** Y wont u **** **** ****!!!**** (this continued for no less than 19 tells which were unprintable, vulgar, and violent ... and after being placed on ignore he decided to follow me around and grief me in various ways for a good 20 minutes......)

/inputparam @ident GM identlogin [deleted] -notanon

***GM rank hotswap initiated, please stand by...
***Warning: GM identity and privileges engaged, please remember GM rules.
***Welcome to [game name deleted] GM interface, please input command or type "menu" to continue.

/killscript LordFuzzy
*** Confirm: initiate GM killscript LordFuzzy? Y/N
/Y
*** LordFuzzy has been killed.

You tell LordFuzzy: You have been eaten by a Grue.
LordFuzzy tells you: Wut?
Lord Fuzzy tells you: WTF?
Lord Fuzzy: WTF I'm ded? **** wut **** hapendd
LordFuzzy: **** she **** got a GM? **** I'm sorry wait ****
You tell LordFuzzy: No hon, I *am* a GM.
Lord Fuzzy tells you: wait who are you? Are you [deleted] ?!? y u kill me?

You tell LordFuzzy: I am the *last* person you will ever call a **** in this game.

/forcedisconnect @LordFuzzy auth: [deleted] /Y
/suspendaccount @LordFuzzy auth: [deleted] -duration:permanent
*** Confirm: permanently suspend @LordFuzzy? Y/N
/Y

"It's good to be the king." ~ Mel Brooks
No Grues were harmed in the production of this story. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7535 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 03:45:11 EST
"I am able to do it late yesterday." ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7534 Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:38:53 EST
I work at a place that has a game arcade. The one day, the water blaster game stopped working. This huge farmer lady came up to me to tell me that it was broken. I do not have the keys for it. Only the manager does. I told her to hold one moment and someone would be right with her. I come back from telling the manager that the game was broken. Guess who is playing the same exact game once again?? The same lady. She turns around and yells at me that it still is not working. I kindly told her that yes, I knew it was not working because she had just told me that a couple of minutes ago and that is why I was standing there...waiting with the keys. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7533 Tue, 02 Feb 2010 13:14:31 EST
This happens more often than I care to think about, but it is happening right now and I need to vent. I design book covers.

Client: Oh, I want to go with this design attached.

Me: That's a proof I sent last year, I will have to make it again, I no longer have that file (as it was one of about 20 you had me do, change redo...).

Client: Well, I just sent it to you.

Me: No, I can't use that one, it's very low resolution, not sized properly for the new trim size of the book and it's the wrong color gamut.

Client: Look, I attached the exact cover I want, use that.

...me, adding ice cube to my vodka. Ahhhhhh. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7532 Tue, 02 Feb 2010 10:25:00 EST
After reading so many gripes about IT teaching staff with very little idea about the subject, I thought my experrience in my second year of teaching might be of some interest.

I went into teaching (as a Maths teacher) after about ten years as an analyst/programmer (this was in the late 70s so that was an impressive amount of IT experience)

After I had been teaching for about 2 years, the school decided to to begin teaching what was then called Computer Studies, and an advert appeared on the staff-room nocticeboard offering promotion to anyone able to take responsibility for that. Naturally I applied.

The job was given to a colleague who had become first become interested in computers when the advert went up, because (I was told) she had been "keen enough to prepare for the interview by reading up about the subject"

Reading one book sometime during that week made her more qualified to teach about computers than I was, apparently.

(Note: at that time I could have WRITTEN a more advanced book on the subject than the one she read.) ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7531 Mon, 01 Feb 2010 14:30:02 EST
This specific instance happened this morning, but the pattern is depressingly familiar...

For those who have read my previous entries, this is the same middle-aged woman (who really needs to retire because computers are just so baffling) who had no idea how to do her own job a few weeks back. She's back at her old desk today, but the trials aren't over yet...

Promoted-beyond-ability: I can't get into the case management system!

Me: Oh, you're back at your own desk this morning, right? It's not a problem - you've changed your password while at the temporary desk, and your regular computer is trying to get in with the old one. Just click OK and type in the new one. It should be [password]9. Let me know if you have any trouble.

[Note: For this system, we ask users to enter a standard agency-wide password, with an incremented numeral on the end as it expires periodically.)

Naturally, she had trouble. I went to her desk and tried the last few iterations of the password; none worked.

Me: This isn't working. Do you remember what you changed your password to?

PBA: I didn't change it.

Me: O... kay... [tries passwords again with no joy] Well, it's definitely been changed to something non-standard.

PBA: [Suddenly raising her voice and snapping at me.] I didn't change it? Why don't you believe me? [Storms off.]

I don't believe you for several reasons, primarily among them the fact that you're an idiot.

I need to set up a motion-triggered camera system to get some footage of the little pixies that change people's passwords in the middle of the night, since nobody ever changes them themselves and simply forgets. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7530 Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:53:14 EST
The Dangers of the Corporate Ass-Covering Mentality

10:30 Deploy to production.

10:32 Errors begin coming in that we've never seen in any test environment.

10:34 The nature of the errors strong suggest that a DLL containing an enum was not deployed correctly (by the automated and known-to-be-buggy) system. All developers agree: redeploy.

10:40 The meetings begin.

10:58 The ass covering begins.

11:15 Manager decides not to listen to developers.

11:17 Manager decides we must double check code in the test environtment.

11:45 All code verified and main test cases recompleted.

11:50 Send IM assuring flighty manager problem is a deployment issue.

11:50 Flighty manager out to lunch.

11:50 Are you fucking kidding me?!

11:51 Try to contact manager back up who is also aware of the problem.

11:51 Backup manager out to lunch... with flighty manager.

11:52 IM Web Ops requesting promotion without approval.

11:52 Web Ops covers own ass, and requires manager approval.

11:53 - 12:45: Developers beat heads off desk while fielding calls from angry customers unable to access system.

12:45 Manager returns from lunch demanding update.

12:48 Manager approves promotion, code promoted, problem resolved.
]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7529 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 11:58:42 EST
In the road where I live there is a pub called the British Oak, and today I noticed that they have a new notice fixed by the door. It gives the following information:

Opening times 12 noon to 11 pm
Breakfast served 7:30 to 12:30

Note the pub is does not offer overnight accomodation or anything, so how exactly does one get to eat Breakfast there ? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7528 Thu, 28 Jan 2010 11:04:32 EST
"In terms of annual report cover art, I'm thinking a scene depicting a plant or flower
pushing through a harsh terrain - you should provide other options too." This, with
no background discussion whatsoever - and translated through an assistant. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7527 Thu, 28 Jan 2010 07:21:25 EST
Today during a huge storm our office's phone and internet went down.
The boss arrives (late as usual) and so I tell her that we have no phone or internet.

About ten minutes later somebody make a comment about the lack of phone and internet, and she says "ooh, so thats why it isnt working?" and then "Hey, somebody call the telephone company to solve this."

HOW? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7526 Mon, 25 Jan 2010 20:33:54 EST
Me: Okay, you're website should be up and visible on the web. [I check] And, there it is.
...
[Some conversation]
...
Customer: Okay, I'll go ahead and remove your access to the server.
Me: I thought that you wanted me to support this?
Customer: We do.
Me: Well, I can't make changes to site if I can't access it.
Customer: Why would you want to make changes to the site?
Me: ...? Alright, so you aren't going to be making changes in the future, and you do not need any further support? That is, you will NOT need me to make ANY changes to the website at ANY point in the future.
Customer: That's right.
...
[Wait for it]
...
Customer [2 weeks later]: We were wondering if we could get you to add another page? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7525 Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:06:04 EST
We'll if I decide to go forward - what if this website works and gets us new business and then I dont need it anymore? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7524 Mon, 25 Jan 2010 09:52:13 EST
We just started http://www.entertainmentglobalorganization.com and while we don't have any clients yet, can add some when you build our portfolio page? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7523 Sat, 23 Jan 2010 15:30:01 EST