The 20 most recent Stupid Client Quotes from Clientcopia. http://clientcopia.com/ Copyright 2005 Clientcopia
Transferring a website from someone reluctant to pass on the necessary details.

Client: Well can't we just ask the hosting company for the login and password?
Me: Well they won't give us them.
Client: Why not?
Me: Well would you want our host to just hand out our details?
Client: But this is different.

later

Client: I've found out they're using this CMS system can you contact them and get the information?
Me: It's just a free CMS system that anyone can use.
Client: Well can you just install it then and make some changes to their website?
Me: Well if I could do that so could anyone else.

They've now made an appointment with a cold-caller whose told them they can easily get the details; in an email exchange said caller couldn't make an emailed link to the site work. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7575 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 06:03:59 EST
Client: I want the banner title to be this colour [points to colour swatch]

later

Client: I've looked at the site on various computers and the shade is different on each one. Can't you make it look the same on everyone's computer? ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7574 Tue, 09 Mar 2010 05:55:06 EST
Some people just can't put clues together...

One of my "special needs children" asked for help with her phone today. It hadn't been working "since that man played with it last week". Hmmm... I went to have a look.

I checked the usual suspects: the phone was working, it was set to use the headset rather than the handset, and the headset was connected to the phone. I picked up the headset and it didn't turn on.

Me: Hmmmm... looks like your headset is flat.

Special needs child: Yes, it hasn't been working since that man was in here last week.

Me: Which man? *check headset base* Well, there's your problem - it's not plugged in. *crawls under desk*

SNC: The man who was checking things.

Me: Um... where's the power brick for the headset?

SNC: I don't know.

Me: Weird... okay, that guy was checking electrical items for safety, and all this stuff down here is tagged, but where's the power for your headset?

SNC: I don't know.

Me: *crawls back out* Do you have any idea where the black power brick is?

SNC: No idea.

Me: *spying a little bundle on the other end of her desk* What's that?

SNC: Oh, I don't know. I found it on my desk the other day.

Sure enough, it was the power brick, with a big red "failed electronic safety testing" sticker on it.

SNC: What is it?

Me: It's the power brick I was looking for.

SNC: Oh is it? Why isn't it plugged in.

Me: *speechless - looking from her innocent face to the big red sticker and back again*

SNC: It was just sitting on my desk.

Me: Oooookay... See this "failed" sticker? The guy who was in here last week was doing safety testing, and this failed.

SNC: *blank look*

Me: I'll go get you a new one. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7573 Mon, 08 Mar 2010 18:15:33 EST
Me: I need you to look at the screen and tell me what you see, specifically if (X) or (Y) is there.
Customer: How do I do that?
Me: ...Look at the screen?
Customer: Yeah! ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7572 Mon, 08 Mar 2010 09:55:55 EST
Sorry. I love this site, visit regularly and HATE metacomments. But in this case I
couldnt resist.

@ #7566
I also worked for a drugstore photo lab and I experienced your exact same
situation, almost identically. With one exception.

I was getting hell from an assistant-manager (who had been recently promoted
from "part time stock-boy" to a position I can only describe as "I am the store
owners son and have recently dropped out of college and my father made me an
assistant manager so I'd have something to do". )
I doubt he had the intelligence to point and shoot a camera, much less understand
that a blurred motion shot can't be magically sharpened back to pinpoint clarity.

But a customer complained and he was yelling at me for not doing the impossible.

UNTIL..... another customer who overheard this approached 'assistant manager'
and explained to him that there was no way I could possibly fix an originally blurry
photo. "Assistant-manager ignored him.
The customer then handed "assistant-manager" a business card. 'Assistant-
manager' read the business card and took off for the back office without a word.

That customer then handed me another of his business cards and told me that if I
had any more trouble with 'assistant manager' or the owner, to call him.

[I'LL BE INTENTIONALLY VAGUE HERE SO AS NOT TO REVEAL WHO THAT CUSTOMER
WAS, BUT I WHOLE HEARTEDLY THANK HIM!]
That business card read:

KODAK
"Customers Name"
"Very High ranking position in R&D"

'Assistant manager' was fired a week later, despite the fact his father owned that
store location.
I got a raise ;)



]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7571 Sat, 06 Mar 2010 19:31:13 EST
"Again, thank very you!" --a client with "professor of communication" in his title ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7570 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 12:53:11 EST
I created an XML export of a clients inventory, so that sites he partners with would be able to list his inventory as well. This was a HUGE priority and work make millions of dollars. I had to drop everything to work on it. I finished it quickly and let him know. Six months later he asks me to consult with the (only) partner using the XML feed since they were having trouble.

Partner: Would you be able to give me a status update on this issue? The heading on ****'s site is still showing the ***(My Client's Site Name)*** and not ***(Partners Site Name)***.

It really must be handled. Please help get this done right away, it has been over 2 or more months.

Me: *Looks* This is not a page generated by the XML feed from the other site. This is an iframe displaying the inventory page of the other site.

]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7569 Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:25:25 EST
Flying Spaghetti Monster, please save me from communications staff!

The manager of comms (a notorious airhead) has been trying to get remote access for _weeks_. It is provided by way of a web interface and a security token, and the whole process has been agonising because she is just SO dumb.

The latest speedbump: she forgot her password, so I did a reset. Then THIS happened...

Me (via email): Okay, I've reset your password to [memorable default]. When you log in it should prompt you to change it to something more secure.

Her (email reply): What? I can't even log in yet! How am I supposed to go and change my password if I can't even get into the system!

Luckily it was early and nobody else was in the office to hear me shout, "Oh you fucking IDIOT!" ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7568 Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:29:26 EST
Client: How do I get to your web site
me: type www.....com
Client: Where does that go?
me: in the address bar
Client: which one do i pick
me: Which one of what
Client: Which web site
me:Are you in the search bar or the address bar?
Client: what's an address bar

]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7567 Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:18:23 EST
I worked in a drug store (pharmacy in NZ) printing 1 hour photos through a mini
lab.

customer: These photos you just printed for me are blurry. print them again and
do it properly this time.
me: Um.. that means your originals are probably blurry, we can't fix this sorry,
leave the prints if you like and there will be no charge.
customer: They were fine when I took them.
me: Can I have a look at your camera?
I find picture in camera, zoom in and show the customer how blurry her photo is
and tell her there is nothing my computer or printer can do to fix this.
Customer goes and complains to the shop supervisor. I get told off for not
ordering and installing software that can fix blurry photos.
]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7566 Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:59:09 EST
(Note: I'm a manager of merchandising for consumables for a
retail store)

Me: (approaching confused customer) May I help you?

Customer: (squinting at his grocery list made by someone else)
Yes... Where is... the... kitchen bucket?

Me: Kitchen bucket, sir?

Customer: Yes. Kitchen bucket.

Me: Like a bucket that you'd use in the kitchen? Like a mop
bucket?

Customer: No, no, no--the kitchen bucket--you know?

Me: So... I'm not sure what you're talking about. What do you
use it for?

Customer: THE KITCHEN BUCKET! You know. You can find it in with
the groceries.

Me: Hrmm... Well, I'm not too sure, sir. Might I be able to look
at your list?

Customer: Well, sure. (hands me the list)

Me: (after scanning through the list) Oh... Do you mean Kitchen BOUQUET?

Customer: Uhhh... (looks at me like I'm crazy)

Me: You know, you use it in soups and such. It comes in a weird,
little bottle with a yellow label.

Customer: Yeah, uhhhh... That's it.

Me: Here, let me show you where that is at.


Wow! Some people are such idiots. Maybe they just need to learn
how to read. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7565 Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:03:11 EST
I do admin for a client management system. When the staff who use it for managing their caseload make mistakes, they ask me to fix things.

I got an email today from one of my... "special" staff members. He's incompetent, rude, and lazy, and nobody else in the office can stand working with him. He represents the worst of government employees; the kind who simply couldn't maintain a job in the private sector.

Anyway, in the case management system, this guy had a client assigned to him that wasn't actually his. Note that our case workers handle medical care for disabled, elderly, and vulnerable people, so keeping track of our cases is vitally important.

He emailed me and asked me to delete the case from the system.

I responded as civilly as I could to such a moronic request. "I can't just delete it. This client may be in need of care, and has probably been assigned to you by mistake. Please discuss it with your team leader and work out whose case it is meant to be."

I wanted to be a lot less polite, but unlike him I am a professional. :P ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7564 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:42:48 EST
Him: (email) (forward of an email asking a third party for conformation of something)
Me: (email) I need a formal change request via email.
Him: (phone) I sent you that email. Also, could you change this, this, this.
Me: (email) I need a formal change request via email. Per the phone call and attached email from earlier, here is an itemized list. Please confirm or correct each.
Him: (email) (re-forward of original email)
Him: (email) "Let me know if you have any questions." (I double-take, and see that he attached his reply as a Word document, and see that he did indeed do a line-by-line reply to an email, in the attached Word document..)

The groundhog saw its shadow. Six more weeks of poor communications. ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7563 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 11:51:44 EST
We have one bad manager at work I'll name George. I don't know how he keeps his job without being married to the owner's daughter, but he continues to set lower standards than anybody else in the company.

George hired a bright young assistant I'll call Nansi. Now Nansi is cheerful, hard working and generally easy to work with. I suspected that George hired her to help make himself look good, but that is probably giving him too much credit. Nansi does a lot of things 'behind the scenes' to make George look like an effective manager to his boss. George even grudgingly admitted that she was doing a good job, unlike his usual complaints about other employees performance.

One day Nansi called in sick and George went ballistic. He called her several times that morning to complain that vital work couldn't be done without her in the office. By lunch he was calling to ask questions about work details AND tell her she really wasn't that sick! Other employees who could hear his phone tirades over the cubicle walls got more angry as the day went on. Later in the afternoon, George called Nansi one last time to tell her she had better be in the office the next morning, implying that she might lose her job if she didn't.

Nansi, being the dutiful employee that she was, did drag herself into the office the next morning. She apologized to George for being sick the day before and proceeded to tackle the workload that he left for her. She even prepared a bunch of handouts for a lunch meeting and delivered most of the presentation, which was actually George's responsibility, to a large group of managers at the lunch meeting.

The next day about half of those same managers were out of work sick, oddly enough having the same symptoms as Nansi did. The H.R. department got involved due to complaints about George's harassment of a sick employee and he was promptly demoted. Here's hoping Nansi gets promoted at some point and maybe George will get to work for her. ;^) ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7562 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 09:21:06 EST
Being the 'computer guy' at work, people often ask me personal tech questions.

One lady said her daughter was having problems with her wireless Internet all of a sudden and asked me for advice. I suggested she tell her to reboot her modem (she couldn't tell me what type of service her daughter had so I had to be vague), and to power cycle her router ("I'm not sure if she has one" <um, OK>). After several days of offering suggestions with nothing seeming to work, her daughter was in the office to talk to her. I was able to ask a few telling questions:
Me- "Who is your Internet provider?"
Her- "Um, I don't know."
Me- "Well, who do you send a payment to every month?"
Her- "I don't"
Me-
Me- "What kind of router do you have in your house?"
Her- "What's a router?"
Me- "The thing that broadcasts your wireless signal."
Her- "I don't have anything like that...I just have my laptop. I could just turn it on and get on the Internet and now it doesn't work."
Me- :lightbulb: "Ah, it sounds like you were catching a neighbors wireless signal and either they turned it off or finally encrypted it."
Her- "Why would they do that???"
Me- "Probably to keep people from stealing their signal."
Her- <Huh>
Me- "If you were using their signal without paying and without permission, you were basically stealing their signal."
Her- "Well how do I make it so I can use it again" (notice the stealing didn't even phase her)
Me- "Pay for your own service."
Her- "I shouldn't have to, I never had to before."
Me- <Walking away> ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7561 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 07:42:23 EST
I send the image for approval (theres a picture of half a papaya
on it) and the client replies:

The papaya, that yellow part, fix it. (just this, no further
explaining)

]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7560 Tue, 02 Mar 2010 07:40:20 EST
Client, in January: "How dare you work from home when you're sick!!! It's unprofessional!!!"

Same client, in February: "I need you to work from home since I am using your desk space to lay out the drawings for a proposal I'm developing..." ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7559 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:47:32 EST
In a meeting for our entire group, talking about our certain failure of a project:

Co-worker: "...it's not an uncommon position to be in; you know, all projects appear ragingly incompetant at some point, and you have to just slog through. ...I meant that in the best possible way..." ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7558 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:32:11 EST
After a week of setting up Drupal and 3 weeks of construction of a [complex] marketing plan the director say...

"What do we need a CMS for to write a marketing plan when we have a whiteboard."

with

"I did have some comments for you on the whiteboard but I've rubbed them out." ]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7557 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:22:08 EST
After sending an image of a milkshake pack for the boss to check
if its good (there's a pic of half papaya on it), she replies:
"Please, try to define the seeds situation. That yellow part,
try to define it."

Since the image weren't in a bad resolution or whatever, I could
only think of one answer "they're probably moisty".

]]> http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=7556 Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:03:50 EST